Cyberbullying – Virtual Jail

Milu, how are you? What has happen with you? Have heard many things about you, mostly weird and unpleasant things… so have lots of questions...

Go ahead, I will answer as much as possible…. Basically is about the situation that I have been through in the last 6 years.... since I came back from Europe to live in Colombia. My history and actions have a logic which is not evident in forehand, but is absolutely coherent….

– When and how starts these?
In 2000 I moved to Europe because I got married with Paul; we adored each other! 4 years later one day he went to work and never came back home…. By chat and email we kept communication for 3 more years… never knew why he left and at the end of the investigation the police told me: “we don’t know why your
husband left; there are no records of any crime that he might be involve in; the way things happened can indicate that he is protecting you”.
Later I learned that he had a double identity, and is possible that he was, or still is, linked to a secret organization. Lately I was “informed” that I was being under surveillance so I had to learn to live with that. Still today I don’t know why he left neither why I have been in the spotlight all of these years.

In August 2009, while living in Europe, I was intercepted and accepted to meet Paul. By that moment already I have been "told" that I was being watched inside and outside my home. My communication means (telephone, email, internet – skype) where completely intervened. Sent an email to a sister warning her that I was going in a “journey” and she replied back that they where aware of everything… by her answered I understood that they knew something and someone was caring about them; that I should care about me and my health. Many details from this operation showed the magnitude of it; the resources and access to elements which are not private, pointed out to highly and powerful organizations.

In summary the trip lasted 2 months, went to 3 countries and never met Paul; spent most of the time under the care, and nursing of a nice woman. Upon my returned, the man who initially intercepted me, said that I should return to my home country as soon as possible because my safety was not guaranteed there. I packed my bags and 10 days later I was in Colombia. Still trying to digest, process and understand what has happened… how could I know, that the real nightmare was about to begin….

– So that was the reason why you came back to live to Colombia?
Yes, for my safety… I waited a while to see if things got better so I could return to Europe, but things just got worse. That is why I never moved back there despite the gratefulness and affection I have for the country, people and institutions with whom I had direct relation...

- How to know if this was a real operation or just your imagination?
I won’t try to prove anything…. I am learning to accept that others may believe me or may think that everything is in my mind. Even though it hurts (that they don’t believe me), I try to assume it as a way of practicing humbleness and lower the ego…. Something good had to have.

– Who are "they"?
No idea… I think they might be Paul’s enemies.... haven’t seen their faces, neither know their identities, so I call them “ghosts”. They boycott my life. As a matter of fact I have done nothing, neither have information or anything else (that I am aware of) that deserves or justify the persecution I have been through.

- Why they do it?
I think has to do somehow with Paul .... to hurt me in retaliation to Paul… is a way of torture.
I guess I have been in the crossfire between Paul, his friends and his enemies… I was told that the ghosts cannot put a finger on me; however virtually I have been attacked and consequently severe injured. For that is perfect the actual communication system as, internet, phone, email, social networking, etc
Long ago I concluded that I should stay away and absent from these forms of communication… don’t have whatsapp although I was showing there for a longtime…. Just check facebook when I have a message exclusive for me, never give a “like” neither congratulate or comment anything, etc etc etc.

– Why have you been so close and absent since you moved to Colombia?
Because in order to harm me, the "ghosts" have monitored, hacked and intervened my communications (email, phone etc) and also from people close to me (friends, family, acquaintances, those who love me, and also who doesn’t). The strategy has been harassing me through exploiting and reinforcing the weak points, from the most fragile and weak relations, whether social or family related. Also manipulating the relations that are not very harmonious and have some breaks already.
The intention of these acts is to isolate the victim (me), generating suffering and inducing to commit desperate actions of any kind. As a result I have been disgraced, attacked, made up conflicts that generate breaking, suffering and isolation…. they turned against me, the people around me… a complete nightmare… I had to cope with it because I couldn't proof it neither defend myself. 
In several opportunities I tried to explain it to the people close to me, however most of the times I crashed against “stones”, because there was not any intention of dialogue.. never understood why…. A simple, franc and open dialog would have avoid a lot of misery and hurt… the situation got worse because of the “excess of prudence” from the people around me, as an answer to the many times I tried to explain the situation.

After a while I understood that the right path was to close myself to the world, since there where no appropriate communication channels and that almost 98% of the people around me believed that everything was my invention. Had 2 choices; to keep interacting with people as always I have done, in which case the manipulations will generate aggression against me, and lead to breaks and distance. Or close myself in forehand as I did, avoiding some hurts.
In practical both ways reached the same point, the difference was that in the first option I will suffer more.
Lately I was told that the way I acted was the best I could do under the circumstances.

-Explain what kind of things have happened to you
One method has been imitating my voice while in a phone call, saying wrong or nasty things to the other person, which obviously I have not said, and vice versa … hurting, causing problems, breaks. And the professional way it has been done suggest that me and the people around me, have been monitored very well.
Here is how they do it, while in a phone call with a real "interlocutor", suddenly we are four in the conversation; me with a "false interlocutor", and the interlocutor with a "false me". At this point the harmful message is given whether to me or to the other person. Obviously there is no way to proof and is not easy to detect it.

“Subtlety” is an important part of these techniques, as one minimizes what is happening, therefore undermining you internally. And shows that has been done by professionals with elements and resources corresponding to high standards, not any amateur will have access to so much intel from me and the people around me. If you talk about some of these events, sounds trivial and silly.... comments can even sound "funny" sometimes.... yet as is done systematically, along the time it acquires an enormous magnitude, and a huge power to affect!... there comes a time when comments become sharp knives or crushing hammers...

I began to suspect what was going on due to some slightly clumsy comments, (thank God they did), which where lightly above logic.... So I managed to detect and confirm several of these calls.

For example, on my way to the dentist, a friend told me by phone regarding what I would go through  "... it feels as if the brain will be drilled, but don’t worry that it does not hurt...". Logically I arrived to my appointment, physically shaking... later I met my friend and she confirmed what I suspected, that she NEVER said that to me.

Once I choked with a piece of carrot and ended up in the emergency room; and a cousin who lives in the US called me and laughing repeated 3 times, that it would have been a very "carroty dead"…. while still I was shocked by the accident. Lately I confirmed she didn't made that remark. However the positive side was that it showed me what was happening. And you just can protect yourself if you are aware of the danger.... set you up for being alert .... while being off guard then you are more vulnerable for aggression and assaults. Therefore learning what was going on, I tried to protect myself the better I could do, even though I couldn’t stop them.
 
At other times they were more "subtle"; friends calling me to tell me how acquaintances and others whom I didn’t even know, where saying terrible things about me, defaming me, slandering me. I was hearing without any possibility of defending myself .... it was overwhelming because it was happening with all sort of people... people from my university, colleges from previous jobs, family, schoolmates. The nasty subtle messages where mostly send through people who lived far away, so was not possible for me to meet and corroborate what I was being told. 

Many people whom in the past were lovely with me, began to avoid me. More than once they closed to me their home doors without any explanation, neither willing to talk what was happening. So I started to feel panic in going to public places, or social meetings where I could meet people I knew.

I understood that I had to block every type of communication as it was the way to hit me… that was the aggression tool... to affect and break every relationship, whether personal, professional, business, social, family; isolating me and intending to drive me to extreme situations.

Ia a way of virtually imprisoning, without laying a finger on me,..... limiting movement and life itself.... supplanting and / or manipulating the people close to me to cause problems, bullying, affecting self-esteem... you don’t see the "jail bars" but you feel the crash at any step you take... everything is being blocked… many things are being taking away…

Despite the harshness and severity of the situation I managed to find the opportunity that this "nightmare" enclosed.... philosophically speaking was an opportunity to find the kingdom of God within myself... inside and not outside.

- Why didn’t you talk before and explained what was going on?
I did speak and several times... just that mostly people said I was going crazy..  but I said, "I prefer to be called crazy for talking, than to keep it for myself, and therefore really drive me crazy!"

One day a close family member asked me to proof that this was really happening.... I wondered "how I can prove it????"... some days later a friend asked me "how can I know that you didn’t made up what you say, that you heard??? regarding an intervened phone call with her …  therefore I stopped trying to explain what was going on.... not only I was being assaulted but alsa was like if I was lying and not driving me anywhere.... that was part of the aggression strategy, to detract me…

I started to shut up after feeling slammed against concrete walls whenever I was telling what I was going through, … I was feeling in the midst of a bombing; and by instinct when you are being attacked you protect and cover yourself… so that is what I did...
I ventilated things only with a few people who have been angels with me ... initially they gave me the benefit of the doubt, and just that was already a treasure for me .... they gave me the space and affection needed to bear and overcome things.

- Why are you talking now, and by this mean?
Because I wanted to explain to some people what has been going on… but doing it one by one would have a very high emotional cost for me .... I do not want anyone to feel forced to believe what I say, or to give any particular response .... and I want to avoid the painful situation where I am stared like I made up everything...

What I am telling here is from my own perspective; who knows how many things I have properly interpreted; how many wrongly, and how many I missed.
This story is specially written for the people that still remember "me" as they knew me, from years ago, despite not understanding my "attitude",… for those who nevertheless, have continued believing in my essence, as they knew it long ago, ... Thanks!

- Where are you today?
Avoiding stress as possible ....recharging myself and eluding unnecessary confrontations.
Slowly I am feeling stronger thank God!, and also thanks to the help of some people who in several ways, and according to their ability and knowledge, have contributed to continue my life.

- How have you managed to cope... survive?
Intuitively I felt that the only way out was assuming a defensive position while the stormy times ... hoping it will end soon and not succumbing in the mean while... and if succumbing, then it was destiny as I learned in my philosophy classes...

My daily challenge was how to achieve a peaceful day, and to enjoy ... I cried a lot, and I still :), but it's good because it rinses and cleans my soul... I gained several kilos for spoiling me with nice simple food, as a way to give me courage... few people accompanied me in this trance, and I owe them my life .... Viktor Frankl's book "Man's Search for Meaning" helped me extremely; to read how some of the victims of the concentration camps were able to cope with that horror, encouraged me ... they were my masters reading how they where going day by day... I learned to appreciate how even though the situation, I could have a nice meal, and a warm bead! 

It was a daily challenge, to achieve moments of joy and peace while going through the toughest chapters... the illusion that the nightmare would end, and that I would be rescued from the horror, helped me to keep on.....

The challenge to find inside me  the reason for living, to find inside what I couldn't find outside… I protected myself looking inside and less "outside"… trying to find in the smallest and simplest things, joy and delight ... daily eternal dialogues with God my Father, my companion..... the positive and realistic philosophy classes..... the moments when I felt accompanied and loved....

The close relation with my Heavenly Father was and has been my major ally!

- What would you recommend for those who know people within similar stories?
If somebody tells a story like this, give him at least, the “benefit of the doubt”, don’t disqualify him… and even though is hard to believe what he is going through, surround him with affection … that's the way to help…

Every day there are more articles, stories and even movies that report similar experiences as the one I have been through... I feel relief because corroborates that what I have been through it does happens in reality....

- What do you want for the present and future?
Take care of me, pull myself together… live day by day deciding which steps I want and can take, because still I am not sure if the “ghosts” are over; therefore I go ahead “measuring step by step”… maybe can be a good idea to write the story as a project which I can enjoy and at the same time heal me… therefore I am open to ideas and propositions….

- Something else you want to say?
Along this years have detected people who "suddenly" pop up in my life, and later in the same way they vanish… from most of them I remember their support and caring…. Some has been for long periods and others have been “angels” for just dramatic and instant moments… have many nice and even funny anecdotes which make me smile… to embrace my Rosary at night was my big stand… 
Had people who watched over me, and never thanked them…. be this the time to do… despite the infinite loneliness and isolation, I felt cared and protected ... thanks !!! ... their voice of encouragement, as when they said that things will come to an end, ... as when I got optimistic messages, .... as when they encourage me and affirm that the knew and understand what I was going through and the it will come to an end… what a relief !!!!

And for those who have had the courage to listen and be with me, as I said before ... I owe them my life, your love and care for me are engraved in my heart ... thanks…


PD. I Apologize for the grammar and misspelling... these document has been written in spanish, and has not been easy for me to concentrate in the translation... but later will correct it....